Alternate Journals: Crimson's Thoughts (5)

It has always been hard for me to put my thoughts and emotions on paper. Harder still for me to state those things verbally but one must try if he wishes to play human. After a discussion between captain Coy, captain Talbot, Ashstar, and myself, my group transferred over to the Spire to continue our voyage. This came about while we waited for a lull in the storm in port at Kavaratti. Coy's freighter departed an hour or two ago ignoring the warning from captain Talbot and the other sailors in port here. I do hope he will make it back to the coast of Africa unharmed even if it is a foolish plan.

As for my fate upon a new ship, it seems bright but a little confusing. I share my cabin like always with Marina. Neither of us argued that situation even if Ashstar did offer I have a room to myself because Marina and I would be sharing a bed this time. The mixed feelings of happiness and worry had me confused at the wonderful thought of her face being the last thing I saw before sleep and the first thing I glanced upon when awaking. After her illness, I took steps to always be close to her which did not go unnoticed by our Amazon guardian escort. Ashstar and Talon had pulled me aside wishing to discuss my change in behaviour before we would board this ship.

“Are you acting this way out of passion or worry for little sister Marina?” Ashstar asked me bluntly. They both seemed to be glaring at me as they spoke.

“We must all know this to avoid future misunderstandings toward you brother Crimson.” Talon explained roughly. My throat felt dry as I suffered their harsh scrutiny.

“Both.” I replied. They glanced at each other before returning their intense gaze to me. “Yes, I have deep feelings for Marina.” I admitted quickly. “But the last one I gave my heart to sacrificed herself to save me.” I continued. The pain of saying this to them felt equal to ripping open a deep wound in me. I glanced pleadingly from one to the other hoping for understanding but found only blank hard faces.

“That was her right to chose you as her mate.” Ashstar returned unemotionally. “Dying for true love is the most noble choice for demise.” she told me. I nearly choked at her words feeling anger rising in me. My face must have shown my rage as Talon cringed back from me while Ashstar held her ground. “Your presence at Marina's side makes the others see you as a mated couple.” she continued. “You are about to share a bed with her but will you share yourself with her?” she added bluntly.

“I do not know.” I admitted in a very small voice. I could not reveal that I would be unable to refuse her if she offered herself to me.

“If you share each others' body, you must do so accepting that you are truly mated.” Ashstar snapped back at me. I felt as if I blushed but tried to hide it with my gift but failed as both women chuckled at me. “And I do hope you will be willing to reveal this fact with Marina at your side before me.” she continued.

“Only so we are not in the dark and can revel in celebration for both of you.” Talon remarked. “We can claim it is a celebration for being safe in Kavaratti.” she suggested.

“It would be odd not having started upon our arrival here two days ago.” I returned. “And you will be informed if anything happens or is decided upon.” I added swiftly. They nodded back to me making me feel dismissed. I walked away from there cabin to return to my shared cabin. The short hallway I walked down slowly only had seven doors. The six doors to the sides was the cabins for the Amazons with Ashstar and Talon sharing the one closest to the stairs leading to the deck. Rena and Thea held the room opposing theirs at the far end of the hallway. Marina and I shared the slightly larger end cabin. I entered to find her sitting on the floor going through the translation notes I had written. She glanced up at me and smiled before returning to here self dictated studies. I laid down on the bed in silence with my eyes closed. I must have drifted off to sleep since my next memory was Marina snuggled to my chest as her leg tangled itself with mine with a blanket covering us in the darkness. I closed my eyes feeling the warmth of her body against mine. I wrapped one arm around her causing her to tighten her grip on me as I drifted back to sleep.

By the fifth night, I could not drift to sleep without her body half covering mine under the blanket. She did not ask what was our relationship. I had placed my translations aside early on the sixth night to lay on our bunk. This pattern of both of us working in silence until I placed my work aside then she would give me a few moments to settle into place before crawling in to join me with a blanket to cover us.

“Has my presence been disturbing your sleep?” she asked softly. I glanced over to see here still sitting on the floor with a scroll of translation in hand and a bundle of scrolls on each side of her.

“Your presence helps me sleep well.” I replied easily. She slowly rotated her head to look at me. “What is wrong Marina?”

“I simply worry since it is early for you to stop your translations.” she returned. She smiled shyly at me. “I am not ready for bed yet.” she informed me. “But I can change cabins if you wish to sleep.” she added quickly.

“I am not ready for sleep either.” I told her. “I just did not wish to translate anymore tonight.” I continued softly. She put the scroll down and climbed into the bunk with me without pulling the blanket over us. We stared at each other in silence for a few moments before she draped half of her body over mine. We laid in silence feeling each other breathing.

“Could we lie to Ashstar about having been intimate?” she whispered in my chest. “If you are agreeable to not becoming an Amazon's husband.” she stated.

“And have double their aggression when any other man approaches you.” I countered.

“Only if I have not put him down.” she replied aggressively. “I am a trained rift hunter after all.” she continued easily.

“I do not question your ability to defend yourself.” I stated directly. “It will not stop the Amazons to protect their little sister.” I reminded her gently. “And twice over if she is mated prior to being a warrior.” I concluded. This was all lessons we had learned from our trainers in the Amazon Ways and the fact I need to remind her had me confused.

“You are waiting for me to claim my warrior title before we become mated?” she retorted. “Or do you wait until I promise to refrain from an action I could never stop myself from doing?” she continued annoyed. I turned to face her as she rolled to her side holding her head up with her bent arm. “Would you not do the same to protect me?” she added softer.

“Yes!” I interjected. “But I can survive many things that would easily erase your life.” I explained slowly. “Throwing myself between you and a shaft is not a sacrifice for me.” I continued. “But could easily remove you from my life if you did the same for me.” I added. It must have sounded harsher than I intended. Her eyes filled with tears as her lips quivered. I slowly reached out to touch her cheek but she pulled back from me with tear-filled eyes.

“But I would not think of that seeing a shaft flying toward your back.” she snarled back. “You must accept that I have the same heart that would cease beating if you died.” she continued angrily. “If I am not your equal in this,” she started bluntly, “I could never be your true mate.” She turned away from me and squirmed away from my attempts to touch her. I laid on my back internally battling to form words to show my true thoughts and emotions I felt for her. Time moved forward silently as the words evaded my mental grasp. I wish I could explain to her and make her understand that I could never treat her as my equal since I could never equal her superiority even with all my gifts. No words could convince her of this truth with herself stating daily of my greatness.

“I could never rise myself high enough to equal you.” I mumbled under my breath. I turned to my side exposing my back to her in ignorance if she heard my mumbled words. I barely slept that night caused by the wide gap that existed between us. When I turned to face her, I found her gone with a large selection of scrolls. I twisted to sit on the edge of the bunk to glance around the candle lit cabin. Her boots and rain gear was missing as well as the leather bag she made during her convalescence before we left Africa. My eyes continued to examine the room over and over again without purpose or understanding. Nothing else jump to my eyes even if I expected she had left a message some where for me to find. My heart lurched in my chest as I sat there lost knowing this also showed how inferior I was when compared to Marina. I must have sat like this simply looking around the space I shared with her fearing I would be trapped living here alone.

I felt the ship suddenly lurch under me. My body reacted as my blood flowed around me to form armour while my feet shot me forward to the door. I did not even have a chance to react as the door flew open in front of me and the ship's bow tossed upward flinging me headlong into Ashstar. I ready myself for a sound thrashing considering where my face landed upon her body, not to mention where my hands landed. She said nothing as I looked up at her knowing from the heat I felt that my cheeks turned into the deepest shade of crimson.

“Take no shame from an accident you could do nothing to stop.” Ashstar stated. A small blush showed in her face as she moved to one side. I stared past her from on my knees to see Talon and Marina standing in the hallway chuckling at what had just happened.

“What has happened?” I asked forcing the words out of me.

“The captain decided this was the best lull for us to attempt running northward to Mumbai.” Ashstar informed me. The other two continued to chuckle at me softly. I saw Marina lean in and whisper to Talon who began laughing outright.

“No! No! No!” Talon interjected between bursts of laughter. “That does not count since it was an accident.” she added before laughing louder. Marina now joined in the peels of laughter losing her balance and sliding down the wall to sit in the hallway unable to stop laughing. Ashstar stared from one to the other slowly before turning back to me.

“We have left port as the massive wave we hit proves.” Ashstar stated. “And, once we are clear of the storm, we will have private words.” she continued calmly. “Best to stay in the cabins until the storm passes while we act as protection in this hallway.” she advised forcibly. I nodded to her before glancing at Marina still laughing lightly on the floor. I crawled over to her and placed myself face down before her. Talon's laughter died in a sharp intake of breath while I could hear a foot tapping against the floor impatiently. I remained in this position in silence waiting for Marina to use my body to return to her feet. This simple action showed more than any of my words how low I felt in comparison to her. I heard her swallow hard as I waited in silence.

“Is this the true reason you have not formalized the mating with her?” Talon remarked hesitantly. I remained face down waiting for her to use me as a thing that is beneath her. “Do not move Marina!” she suddenly screamed. I heard her breathing like a heart beat next to me while the five occupied cabin's doors creak open. I hazarded a glance at the floor quickly counting pairs of feet. All the Amazons escorting us were present in that hallway. “She has not been explained these things yet!” Talon screamed at me. “It is not fair for you to put her in this position you love sick fool!” she added angrily.

“As leader of this cadre, it is my duty to explain what is being offered to her.” Ashstar commanded. “He offers himself in the position of being beneath you.” she proclaimed. I heard control giggles escape from some on the younger Amazons of the group. “You may use him to stand making him essentially your property and slave mate.” she announced. “Or you can rise by yourself making him pass as lesser than a slave.” she continued. “The choice is yours but other may have a right to contest your choice.” she concluded. I kept my eyes to the ground not moving in complete silence.

“I contest on the selection that if she tries to enslave him to herself, I will challenge her for his freedom.” Rena stated. “Would this challenge be acceptable as her warrior trial?” she added quickly.

“It is acceptable as I will witness the fight for our queen.” Ashstar proclaimed. I cheer rose from them around me.

“And if I reject him totally?” Marina yelled over the cheers.

“Then you remain a little sister and he will be up for grabs to any woman who wishes him as nothing more than a slave.” Ashstar reported.

“And if I lost to Rena?” Marina remarked.

“Crimson returns to being a free man and you remain without a warrior title.” Ashstar answered. “If you win, Crimson is yours and you claim the title of warrior of the Amazons.” she added. A creak sounded on the stairs at the end of the hallway.

“I was about to check on you but it seem I have walked into something more important.” captain Talbot stated. “I have no problem with the Amazons as long as they leave my crew on my ship if they decide to seduce the lot of them.” he continued. “But if you can refrain from fighting until we are clear of the storm, it would be appreciated.” he added. He saluted us and started to leave.

“That would leave Crimson as your slave until the challenge takes place.” Ashstar announced. I heard the captain's footfalls stop. “Or we ask captain Talbot if we can have the battle upon his deck away from anything which could be damaged.” she continued. I heard the heavier footfalls of the captain moving closer once more. I peeked along the floor to see his boots walking in a cleared path. “Is that an acceptable arrangement for you captain Talbot?” she asked softly. I did not hear a reply but felt Marina's hand on my back, forcing herself to her feet using my body. I closed my eyes and remained in this position waiting for her command.

“Rise!” Marina commanded. “And follow, slave!” she ordered coldly. I slow came to my feet, keeping my head bowed as I followed her back into the room we shared. “Please warn me when our battle field is ready big sister Rena.” she concluded. I heard no reply before the door squeaked and latched shut. I dropped to my knees bowed over with my face nearly touching the floor waiting in silence. Marina sighed loudly before I heard her drop onto the bunk making it crack.

“Look at me and tell me why you did all this?” she screamed at me. I heard sobs escaping her. “Why did you mess everything up like this?” she cried to me. I slowly rose my head until I could see here. She sat on the bunk tears streaking down here face as her body shook with her sobs.

“Because this is the what I have felt since I first meet you.” I whispered to her. “That is how important you are to me.” I continued slowly. “This way I will always be the one protecting you without fearing you will die for me.” I told her a little louder. “You are too far above me to waste your life saving me.” I concluded. She slapped me hard across the face.

“I'm nothing and will be beaten by Rena.” she told me. “All because you had to act so stupidly.” she screamed at him. “Why could you not simply take me as your mate and be done with this silliness?” she concluded. Fresh tears started pouring out of her eyes as sobs racked her body.

“I did not know Rena would react like that.” I admitted. “You could have had everything if the others did not interfere.” I bemoaned our situation. I was back with my face down as blood mixed tears escaped my eyes.